Check out my life inspiring story in Ebony Magazine, August 2010
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Who Owns Your Identity?
Have you ever wondered why it’s so difficult to let go of something that hurts? Letting go of pain is a very difficult (but necessary) step that we will be faced with several times throughout our lives. When things seem to be falling apart, there’s always the impulse to hold on, because it’s familiar to you. But unfortunately, holding on can cause more pain. In order to feel better, we must learn to think better. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep holding on to him, to her, to it, to the job, to long-time friends, to the way it was, or how you want it to be. But in order to get beyond the pain, you will have to let go of whatever is standing in your way or causing the problem. The anchor around your ankles will remain there until you locate the key and release them because the toxic emotions that accompany the pain will weigh you down blocking your success!
As humans, we have a strong need to be accepted, loved, and appreciated – in our personal relationships, our jobs and careers. When we discover that something works well for us, validates us, and makes us feel worthy, we tend to attach ourselves to it in an unhealthy way. And once the “situation” turns toxic and stops working, we continue to hold on hoping, praying, believing, and wishing that it would get better and return to the way it used to be. But change happens whether we like it or not. And sometimes the change is not in our best interest. We have control to make conscious decisions to LET GO of our pain, and get past our past! We tell ourselves things like “it’s too difficult”, “no one will love me like he/she did”, I’ll do next month or next year”, “I won’t find another job”, or the most popular one of all “I’M AFRAID”. Instead of taking control, we go the opposite direction and try to mask the pain with addictive substances like alcohol, drugs, or food. Regardless of the circumstances, there is only one way to let go of holding on, and it involves changing your mindset and belief about whatever you’re holding onto.
Face it – letting go is scary. Ok, so now you know what you’re dealing with. You know it’s not going to be easy. So strengthen up and get ready for a ride because on the other side is freedom, peace-of-mind, and a life of abundant joy. Take small steps to begin releasing old behavior patterns. Letting go is in fact a shift in consciousness that’s a critical part of how you will solve the problem.
Stepping out of your comfort zone requires strength, persistence, and most importantly – commitment. There’s nothing “comfortable” about a comfort zone unless it’s a healthy comfort zone. Continuing to hold on to toxic behaviors and beliefs will eventually cause deterioration in your mental and physical health.
So how can you begin to fix it?
Following are a few simple initial steps to take to start you on the road toward healing:
- Let it out – it’s okay to cry and feel the hurt
- Once you’ve felt it and faced it, tell yourself, “it’s time to fix it”
- Begin each morning with a positive statement “today I’m empowered!”
- Join a networking organization or a group that will encourage and uplift you
- If you have a hobby, spend extra time doing it
- Have a night out with our friends
- Learn to connect with your higher power – pray
- Learn to meditate – it’s very easy
- Learn to relax – statistics show it improves your physical health
Learning to let go of what’s already gone is a major step in taking control of your life. You have a lot to gain and the only thing you can count on losing is your sanity, a peaceful life, and a happiness that is priceless!
QUESTION: I am a 33 yr old who has been in corporate america for 10+ years. I like yourself have worked for IBM, amongst other Fortune 500 companies (ie Eli Lilly, Bristol-Myers Squibb, and Scientific Games International). Amongst all of my experiences, the projects and work that I have enjoyed most are those related to interns and their development. I am seriously interested in HR but my moving cross functionally regardless of organization has been a challenge. Where and how can I get to a job that works with minority college students in helping them achieve their educational as well as career aspirations? I find that I am truly passionate about this work and am honestly fulfilled when I can help them realize their dreams.
ANSWER: Great questions! You first need to design a plan which consists of WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND HOW of your goal. It appears that you have identified your passion of working with minority college students in helping them achieve their goals – great! Next step will be your HOW. There are many ways to accomplish this; investigate opportunities with colleges and university career centers in your local area. There may be part-time jobs where you could learn and network with individuals who could help you make the transition. Secondly, join networking organizations who focus on college students. Do a google search on organizations who focus on this endeavor. Thirdly contact your local chamber of commerce for Career Fairs and events which cater to college students and volunteer to participate in these events. This is a great way to meet, network, and connect with individuals who can help with your goal. You could also design a curriculum/workshop which focuses on helping college students achieve their life goals and request a meeting with college advisors or development directors to present your workshop ideas. They may hire you to conduct the workshop….there are tons of ways and possibilities to get this accomplished. Feel free to contact me directly for one-on-one discussions to design a specific plan for you. Good luck!
This is a great question and has sparked many a debate among different groups and organizations. Reinvent means to re-do, make over, start anew. Any of these descriptive terms can relate to your life. Statistics show that over 85% of individuals are miserable in their jobs yet they remain there for various reasons. 
To reinvent your life is a powerful process that begins with a thorough self-assessment of WHO you are – strengths, weaknesses, values, beliefs, and passions. Your next step is to align your life around this powerful assessment. Most people have no clue of what they want or what they’re passionate about. They simply look for a job to pay the bills or they pursue a life that the media or society says they should pursue. Everyone and anyone owns their identity. You life takes on a whole new meaning when you take control and take ownership for your happiness. If you have no idea how to get started, then look for someone who can help – a mentor, life coach, or even a trusted friend or family member. The decisions you make for your life today will determine your physical, emotional, and mental health well into your senior years. No one can start over and make a brand new start, but anyone can start now and make a brand new ending. What are you waiting for – let’s get started!
Check out my website for life changing articles: http://www.chollowayhill.com
Question: I am trying to start a new business venture, but I don’t know if it’s right for me. I just need to make money to pay my bills. Any advice?
Answer: I applaud you for the courage to step out on faith and try something new. However, there is a process you must undergo. First and foremost, do a thorough self-assessment of your strengths, weaknesses, attributes, values, beliefs, and most importantly, your passions. If this business venture does not align with who YOU are and what defines you, then I advise you to seek one that does. Unless we pursue work that aligns with who we are, we are setting ourselves up for failure. The next step is to know WHAT you want, and WHY you want it, and then create a plan to get it. You must be committed to your “What” as well as your “Why”. When we’re interested in a goal and just try to “make money”, we do what’s convenient. But when we’re committed, we will do whatever it takes. Please write again and let us know how you’re doing. If you’d like one-on-one coaching, contact me directly. Good luck!
QUESTION:
My fiance’ and I have been together for a year. It seems he is always getting emails and text messages from several female friends, and he replies. Some he has dated and some he hasn’t. When I ask why he needs to have a friendship with them, he says they are just friends. My feeling is that past relationships need to stay in the past. They create doubt. He is surprised that I am “insecure” about these women. Everyone has a past and learns from these, but I do not understand his need to maintain this level of friendship. We have had dinner with three of these ladies. The first one did not go well. She flirted with him and did not interact with me at all. Am I being insecure?
ANSWER:
You are right to have concerns with the constant emails and text msgs from female friends. If you trust your fiance’, and you have discussed the situation, and he respects and values your feelings, then it is his responsibility to either eliminate the situation or manage it where you are both in agreement and adequate boundaries have been established. In the instance where the friend openly flirted with your finance’, this should not be tolerated, and I would recommend that your fiance’ severe all ties with that individual. We teach people how to treat us, and if he allows her to disrespect his fiance’ in that manner, it is sending the wrong message. As long as your finance’ is open and willing to modify his behaviors, I think you have a good probability of success moving forward in your relationship. However, if he puts it off and makes excuses for his behavior, pay attention and ask yourself – is this an individual you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with?
QUESTION:
I broke up with my ex 2 months ago. Since then, communication has been off and on. Sometimes we talk like normal, and other times, he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I have access to his email information, but I haven’t read his emails yet. I am very tempted to know what’s going on. I am in a dilemma and don’t know what to do. Should I read his email to get answers because he may lie if I ask him what’s on his mind. What should I do?
ANSWER:
Communication and trust are the foundation of a successful relationship. If you feel the need to snoop and check his email, then there’s the first problem. Secondly, if communication is not open and consistent, there’s the second problem. There are many red flags in relationships, and so far, you are experiencing two significant red flags. My suggestion would be to schedule a convenient time when you are both willing to have an open honest discussion about the relationship. If he is willing to do this, it’s a great first step. Allow him to speak his feelings and do not interrupt. Listen objectively and resist the urge to judge him after he has shared his feelings. After he’s done, it’s your turn. If you can both speak, get your feelings out, and are willing to work together to resolve the communication problems, then you have a great probability of resolving this very common issue. However, if he is not willing to have this necessary discussion, then you have your answer as to whether this relationship is the right one for you.
QUESTION:
My spouse is depressed and I have no idea how to help her. She says she wants to feel better, but she won’t get professional help. What can I do? HELP!
ANSWER:
This is a great question and one I heard constantly all the time, especially with rising unemployment and job loss. Mental health not only affects the individual, it also affects friends and loved ones around the person. Depression is a mental illness, and when an individual is depressed, they cannot rationally make logical decisions that come natural for someone else. There is actually nothing you can do other than offer as much love and support as you can. However, I will caution you to be very careful and not allow your own emotional health to suffer due to this situation. Your health is your responsibility, and you can’t force someone to seek couseling. Take care of yourself! Get out and enjoy yourself and do things to take your mind off the suffering situation. When your spouse gets low enough, she will seek the necessary help to get better. But until that time, all you can do is be patient, understanding, kind, considerate, and offer to do whatever you can. Please write again and keep us updated on the situation!
QUESTION:
I am working two jobs to try and make ends meet. My bills are paid, but I have an overwhelming fear of losing one, or both, of these jobs. I worry a lot of money and not having enough to pay my bills. Please help!
ANSWER:
We give money power when we focus our thoughts on it, especially thoughts of worry. Worry is negative energy, and the energy we project out into the universe is exactly what we attract into our lives. If you are currently working and your bills are paid, don’t worry about what hasn’t happened. Instead focus on having abundant happiness and wealth in your life. Focus on what you DO want – not what you DON’T want. This concept is very difficult for most people to grasp and embrace, but if you can keep positive affirmations in your mind and control your thoughts, it will make a significant difference in your life. Why worry about uncontrollables? If you lose your job, then you’re a strong individual. You will deal with it IF it happens. But for now, focus on the facts, and that is you DO have a job, and your bills ARE being paid, and you ARE managing very well. Keep up the great work!
QUESTION:
I have read many articles about negative thinking but I just can’t seem to quiet the negative thoughts in my head. I just seem to be pessimistic about things. I have goals, but I can’t get started because I don’t believe I can do what I want to do. Everyone around me seems to succeed, but I always have problems with everything.
ANSWER:
This is a very common problem. Thanks for writing. You have actually taken a great first step by posting this question. Our negative self-talk typically is the result of toxic beliefs created from our childhood. Try to rewind back to your childhood and assess what you may have been exposed to. Ask yourself these questions:
- What was your home life like?
- Did you have support and nuturing from both parents?
- Did you have positive role models in your life?
- Were you teased in school?
- What was your neighborhood like? Did you have friends?
- What did you believe about yourself and the world when you were a child?
- Who or What created those beliefs in you?
Once you dig deep into the who, what, when, where, why, and hows and answer those questions, it can give you a good snapshot into why your beliefs are where they are. When we establish negative toxic beliefs in our childhood, it carries into our adult life. When we experience “life” along the way (job loss, divorce, relationship failures, grief, disappointments of any sort), it adds to a toxic subconscious overload. Until we purge those old beliefs from our subconscious and replace them with new healthy ones, we will always be in a pessimistic state-of-mind. Learn to incorporate daily affirmations into your life. It took a long time to develop these toxic beliefs, so it will require time to change the situation. But the good news is it CAN be changed! Every morning upon rising, state 3 positive affirmations, and be aware of your thoughts throughout the day. Set aside a few minutes each day to meditate and visualize something positive in your life. If you have goals, assess and prioritize them and begin putting a plan in place to achieve it. Create a vision board and post it whereever you can see it – at home, work, in your car, on the bathroom mirror, etc. Continue to read and learn as much as you can about re-shaping your beliefs. Life-long learning is critical for our personal growth. It is important to believe that you CAN and WILL change your mindset. Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Bad habits are like a comfortable bed – easy to get into, but hard to get out of. Stay the course. With commitment, persistence, and discipline, you can have exactly what you want. Try to either eliminate (or minimize) your interaction with toxic people. If you have friends/family who are consistently telling you that you can’t do it and drain your energy, replace them with new healthy relationships. Stay in touch and check my website frequently for self-empowering, inspiring, motivating articles. CLICK HERE!
